wounds

Wounds lead our entire lives. this has become more apparent to me the older i am. the longer life goes on i realize how much my past has steered my steps. how much my body holds onto those reactions and patterns like it engrained into my moves. now my body feels what i has in the past and it protects. we all know fight, flight, freeze or fawn. these are triggers from trauma. i have experienced trauma and not understood that i had. i am someone who runs. i run from pain, i run to distractions through shopping, other people, work, and vices. i run to feel immediately feel better to avoid my pain to avoid the negative feelings. the irony in that is i end up feeling those negative feelings full force. this causes me to shut down, disassociate, and feel overwhelmed and weighed down. that can cause me to freeze and feel paralyzed. do you ever feel this way? i struggle with anxiety and depression. i have adhd. i just recently understood what that really means. i have heard those terms thrown around so much that i didn’t think i should stop and really research what this really looks like and how to manage it. i am still learning to develop healthy habits. i am still learning to sit with my feelings. understanding how to process those feelings. it is the hardest time in my life because i’m finally slowing down to do those things. i am facing my own pain. i am processing my history. i am letting myself free to be in the uncomfortable pain from the past. free to feel it and express those emotions i have pushed away. i am still pushing and running but learning to notice more and more each time. the more awareness we have the more control we will have. the more secure we will be in the knowing. in the labels and facts. in knowing ourselves and why we behave how we do. it is neccessary to learn who you are. i’ve heard that forever and not understood what it really meant. i thought i did know myself, my likes my dislikes, what i want and what i don’t. however because of my journey and my experiences i have changed. whether i can accept that or not i am now this person who deserves to have my attention and love. someone who deserves my awareness and acceptance. i am not perfect, i am not simple i am a product of this journey and i am proud of that. i can help others through what i have learned so far and as i learn. i am a human wanting connection with other people who feel these feelings. who strive to improve their self awareness. who want to make the world a better place by being authentically themselves.