my story sort of

for years, I would run from the pain in my past

I avoided the hard truths, covering up wounds with distractions

But the wound never left - growing heavier, fueling patterns of anxiety, bitterness

and fear

It held me back from moving forward and I didn't understand why

I thought I had healed but the truth was I learned to cope and cover up in unhealthy ways

the more the world helped me forget the more it was easier to run and hide. All I was doing was adding more scars in the process

I misinterpreted my independence for being a strong healed person,

Wanting commitment with loving partner but also running from it. Clinging to my freedom at all costs. Not understanding this automatic pattern within me guided by my crippling fear of repeating the past.

Avoiding ever feeling trapped or controled in a relationship again.

Walking by fear instead of faith always will hold you back. I chased attention and quick fixes. I wanted dopamine and I thought I deserved to feel better because of what I gone through. I was done worrying about others more than myself. It was my turn. While that logic is positive to a degree I went too far. It felt addicting to feel in control and free no matter the consequences. The consequenses of my behavior wasn't as important as my peace and feelings.

Was I turning into the person who hurt me?

I was a new person after my experience and as much as I pretended I was okay I needed to learn more about who I was afterwards.

Instead I kept avoiding, chasing the quick fix of dopamine the world offers in so many ways.

I was frustrated I couldn't find anyone who understood me when I did not realize I needed to learn to understand myself.

God helped pull me out of the fire and

God set me apart, isolated me. He pulled me away from relationships I was addicted to that were only hurting me and wasting my time. He saved me from myself and the damage I had caused. The mess I was. I had to be reminded I am made for more. For helping others. For walking by faith not fear.